Thursday, November 5, 2009

Profound Enlightment today

Good Friday morning all  - you haven't even completed your thursday evening yet, and we have embarked on another day here in Wuhan. Faith was up early, and is a little out of sorts today , very clingy to Kevin, and everything that has worked for me yesterday to grow closer is not working today.  She does still allow me to care take, loves my chapstick and even kisses me after I put it on her.  After a difficult bath and dressing time, I recessed by myself to the shower.  As I always do, I took that time to turn to God in prayer for some good quality chat time... What He spoke to my heart was so profound, I had to share.

I was struck by an analogy between my relationship with God , and my budding relationship with FengHua.  How many times i thought did He reach out to me, and all I gave him in response was a polite nod - as I'd choose to attend church for holy days, or even when I decided to go each week.   It wasn't a commitment , just a nod that He was there, that he created me, and provides for me, but that I didn't want any more from Him than that.  Oh but if I DID need something, I knew he was there for me.  IF any problem arose, or a need was being filled, I knew I could go to him and ask, and most times I'd receive.

 It is here that I thought of Faith, I could just accept that she allows me to care take for her, I could say, well that is the relationship we are going to have.  She will know I care, and that if she needs anything I am here.  We could smile politely at each other, acknowledging that we live in the same house, that she is somewhat dependent on me for food, clothes, education, toys, but we'd stay at arms length.  Protecting our hearts, or my heart from any pain future rejection would cause me.  but I can't ... its not in my nature, I desire more, I desire a closer bond, I desire that we share real LOVE between each other - beyond needs, wants and cares.

That is when I realized so deeply that is exactly HOW God feels, He accepts the surface relationships, and is happy for them. But he DESIRES so much more, and he never gives up.  He arrives day after day, offering to carry our burdens, meet our needs, help us out, provide us guidance, and most of all give us unconditional love.  Unconditional... without condition.  Was I willing to do that, to give love over and over, until Faith in her own time is ready to return that, like God had done for me for 34 or so years.  Come without condition, waiting on my returning that love, on my embracing Him for the Father and King of my heart that he is.

As it is not his nature to accept no less than LOVE, made in His image, it is not mine either ... IN through HIS Grace (that freely given, undeserved gift that helps us be more godly in our behavior) , I will wait, just as he waits.  With patience, and perservance - never expecting, always hoping ...  Where does my help come from, MY HELP comes from the Lord, Maker of heaven and Earth (Casting Crowns lyrics).  I hope all day and night in the LORD (Psalms)  -- because if HE had given up on me, when i rejected Him day after day for 30+ plus years where would I BE right now?? Not in China, not in an amazing marriage with 3 beautiful children, not confident and at peace in my circumstances, which as a human are never easy. 

One final thought, I have often read about the growing of your faith as trips to Mountain tops and Valleys.  On the Mountain top all is amazing- we are on top of the World!! But what grows up there??  A few weeds, nothing with real roots.  No, in order for real growth to happen, you need to return to the valley.  There, although pain is there, and discomfort, and things we'd rather AVOID happening in our lives, the soil is rich, and growth can be lush - deep roots, making for strong plants (strong faith).  During the last few days I've been up and down that mountain a million times --  no wonder I'm so tired!!  I am grateful for the fruit though :)))


  1. Thanks for sharing, you opened my eyes and my heart. Your truly blessed in every way. I admire your strength and wisdom.

  2. I just LOVE how you really do open up your heart to God, and you DO listen! You are an amazing testimony to God's Grace received!
    You are an amazing MOM! and friend!;-) While it may not happen as fast as YOU want it to, before you know it you will have a little shadow, wanting to do everything mommy does! We all know that our calendars and God's do not match up, but when they do we are promised so much more than we can ever dream of!
    Safe Travels... can't wait to see you all!
    Love Miss Kelly