Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Babystep Blessings

This morning I awoke very anxious, unsure, and tired.  Though for the first time since departing a week ago, I slept for almost 8 hours - straight!  Yesterday was a very difficult day for me emotionally, Faith, as is very normal for an adopted child, has selected a parent to reject, that would be me.  I am grateful its sporadic, and she does allow me to fill her every care need, which will continue to build our bond over time.  I truly felt like yesterday for her was the day of reckoning, of realizing this is not a temporary thing - vacation is over, who are these people and why aren't they bringing me home.  Everytime I look in her eyes, my heart aches for her to know the truth of what is happening... so I pray, because only He can sing that song to her heart -- and I KNOW He will.  He has obviously already done that by her comfort and ease with Kevin. 

Though as much as I long for her to cling, he is worn out at the end of the day by her -- neither bad, nor a complaint, just how this is, and how the extremes will begin to fade as life returns to a normal pace for us all.  We are just at the gateway, its only been 3 days though it feels like 100 -- mostly due to our previous sleep of 2 or 3 hours at a time, making a normal day nearly 20 hours long!!  Being alone in the province of Hubei, separated from the rest of the group was creating feelings of isolation -- living in this vacuum was magnifying every feeling and emotion.  All normal and part of the process, but no easier when you are in the middle of it.

Last night, we lay down at 8:30, and prayed the rosary as a family -- I signed a few Our Father's and Hail Mary's , when her gaze fell onto the crucifix dangling from Daddy's rosary - I stopped, and let Him teach her prayers with words I'll never know this side of Heaven.  We prayed for our health, for our safety, for strength and wisdom, we prayed for healing on this poor child who's life is a mystery to us but obviously included trauma and loss.  We praised for the opportunity to be worker's in his vineyard, and for the amazing Love God must have for us to use our own DREAMS of having a daughter (and even knowing from a very young age, that my daughter would be deaf) to do His Will.  We are so loved by our Heavenly Father -- struggles will abound in minute amounts, but LOVE will abound beyond measure!

This morning, as anxiety crept back into my heart, I feel to my knees, feeling even closer to Heaven aside the window of the 24th floor.  I prayed for strength, for peace in my circumstance, and that His Will be done in all things -- I invoked the Holy Spirit, and prayed for intercessions.  Prayer carries power far larger than any fear.  And so our day began ...

Faith does not like transitions AT ALL, and so wakes every morning crying.  We decided that after last night [I had taken a bath with her, she went rather begrudgingly,, and cried through most of it, but there were moments of calm, and when i let her go, she'd scoot back against me as a sign that although she was so unsure, she was still willing to try with me.  I gave her a little back rub as I washed her back, she loved the massage, and so I rubbed her little legs absent of any muscle, and her adorable big feet lol ... and we cried together, and prayed a lot], that we'd give bonding a little break - and focus on my fulfilling only care needs today, and not push an emotional bond. I wanted to give her a chance to process, and open on her own. 

As she sat cuddling with Daddy in the chair, I decided to shower ... I left the room, and she came waddling after me.  She went right to the tub, and looked me, and pointed inside.  She was confused, and so cried, and waddled back to daddy, but then came back... I started to run the water, and she put her hands up to have her jammies removed.  My heart leapt, could she really be seeking a bonding experience with me - on her own.  Please Lord I prayed, guide my every move.  We got in and she backed right up against me, a wimper here and there, but she wanted to be there.  I repeated last night's routine of backrub and backwash  -- she nearly feel asleep!! she Was so calm and relaxed, no more crying, wimpering.  Kevin was in the room this time, but she didn't reach for him, or try to escape, she just laid against me, as I rubbed those skinny legs and long toes.  and yes, we cried again, but this time it was just the 2 big ones, the little one was just soaking up the tub and the love!

What an amazing moment, a turning point -- not the end,nope not even close, but a beginning. She now kisses me whenever I pucker up to her, she has reduced significantly the turned up faces of disgust she was giving me when I approach, and is still allowing me to care for her every physical need.  My heart overflows at how one can love someone so much that you just met 3 days ago, did not given birth too , and know so little about... It reminded me so much of the relationship between us and God -- except he knows everything about us!!  To be adopted into the family of God, means to be loved by Him the same way He loves Jesus... there is no difference in His eyes, just as I love Faith, with the same fervor I love Adam and Ian -- for we are adopted into the Kingdom of God and loved with an everlasting love -- IF this were not true, I would not be here, and Faith FengHua would never have become my daughter - my flesh and blood.  Amen, again I say, Amen! 


  1. Allison, oh Allison! I made the mistake of reading this from work this morning. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. How wonderful that at her -and your most venerable moments- naked in the shower, she came to you. The fact that she is rejecting you and then coming to you shows that she TRUSTS you. What a miracle given all that she has been through. And Kevin- you are right - a "Kid-Fax" would be a great thing. Have a safe trip - love you guys! Sue Sobolewski (because I can't figure out how to leave my name any other way- duh!) =)

  2. Ahhh ... the feeling of being alone in China. It's overwhelming. No one to talk to but each other and your guide. It can feel like a LONG time. It's very difficult being in a foreign place for so many days. But you are so close to the end! Guangzhau will be different so something to look forward to. Faith will have her first plane ride soon. Life will be SO much different when you return home. There will be more challenges but much easier for you to handle on your own turf. I remember so badly wanting to go home (and you know I LOVE to travel). The whole family is following your journey and loving it. What memories you are making - not all good but something to look back on - they will be precious memories. You are both amazing to take on the challenge of adopting an older child and one who cannot hear you. Her challenges are far greater than yours. But, with the grace of God, you will get through them. It looks like you have an amazing support system. She will come to love and adore you Allison, before you know it. Her world has been turned upside down. You are right about her bonding with one of you - she could easily fear you both - so her bond with Kevin is a huge blessing. It's hard to be patient when all you want to do is love her and her love you back. She will ... when she's ready. Remember, love is not forced. It's a process and it takes time. She is as cute as can be!!! And the hair do's are adorable!!! Love your pictures! Keep them coming. She looks like she belongs. We get to see your wonderful son today. Ian is coming over for the afternoon. When you read this it will probably be morning and you'll be off to your next destination. It will be a much different experience in Guangzhau (doctors visit, meeting with other parents, hotter!) so a nice change of scenery. Looking forward to reading about tomorrow's events! Love you!