Faith from summer?

http://picasaweb.google.com/kpgingras/ChinaCamera#

We sent off a care package prior to heading to China with some clothes, toys and a camera.  We sent it around June.  All we got back was a camera and we just stumbled across the photos so I uploaded them.

It's amazing to see how much she has grown and how much she has gained with respect to weight and height....

A bit of Americana for Faith

Photos of Herring Run and Plymouth

Well, we took Faith to see the Herring Run then off to Plymouth so she could see the Mayflower and the Big Old Rock.  Not sure she fully understood what it all meant but that's ok, we had fun! 

She isn't a sturdy walker on our grass.  You should have seen her on the beach in the soft sand!  A couple of face fulls of sand and even a bit in the mouth but all was well, she had a great time.  AJ had fun too dune jumping!

We definitely tired her out, she fell asleep on the way home.

Faith's Mommies

Last night, little Faith wasn't feeling so good.  She has a icky cough, and this awful inability to puke when she coughs. Yeah fun, but we're grateful we hadn't seen this since Wuhan.  I can handle throw up when there is no possible of me puking 24 hour later germs attached to them, but it is still unnerving especially when it happens in their sleep.  So I choice to sleep on the couch, easier and quicker access to her room if she needed me.  Around 2:30, she needed me.  I brought her out to the couch, laid her head on my chest, tucked her feet between my legs to stay warm (she has a tendency to cuddle up to me with little frog legs anyway - I wonder if this has anything to do with how the seem to bundle and carry the babies that I heard about from my friends who adopted infants?).   This is just one of the many questions about her life before us that I spend so much time pondering about.

Last night, as we lay there, her coughing, and me trying to help her relax so she can rest and get well, I started to again ponder her early life.  I thought about her birth mother, the woman who would have held her just as I was as little baby.  How long did it take them to realize she couldn't hear?  Who's decision was it to abandon her?  Was it the mother's, ashamed she'd brought not only a female to her husband, but one with a handicap?  Did she cry, as she placed her baby down in the parking lot of the hospital probably under the cover of night and run away?  What was Faith's birth name?  Did Faith cry in the dark, without the safety of an adult nearby?  How long did she lay there before she was found?  Abandoned - left without a trace of who you are, a history you will never recover.  Can any of us fathom what this feels like to the million of Chinese girls who will experience this reality every day?

Then came her second mommy, her foster mother.  I am sad I wasn't able to meet her, that I have no pictures of her to share with Faith.  That there is more history I will not be able to complete for Faith.  I know so very little of her 3 years with this family.  Were they loving or distant?  She is so loveable but I am never sure if that is because she never had it, or had so much of it that she continues to crave that closeness?  I did read that children who never make attachments are the ones that struggle to bond with their new families, so I can only assume from her quick bonding to us, that she was indeed loved and nurtured.   Her behavior, and the little information we do have, would suggest she was actually spoiled - given whatever she wanted maybe out of pity, or perhaps that little sly smile won over the men in her life (as it continues to do here!)  What were her days like, she doesn't easily engage with toys and books, she'd sit on my lap all day long and do nothing but cuddle if I allowed her too.  Yet, oddly the minute we get out in public she's a wild woman -- running around, wiggling out of my arms, and generally the complete opposite of how she is at home.  I know all parents say that, but this is more than the usual, there is definitely something to her behavior - I am starting to suspect it is a reaction to the overstimulation that being out of the house creates.  I am sure she was not out very much, and hasn't learned coping strategies with stimulus that comes from being out of the safety and familarity of your home. 

Which brings me to the final ponder of the day - as her third mommy, how safe do I make her feel?  How secure is she that there isn't a fourth mommy in her future.  I do pray, that isn't God's plan for her!!  Not just because I don't want to be dead or divorced lol, but I would be heartbroken to see her have to suffer any more traumatic transitions in her life.  She is truly remarkable that after all this, she continues to trust human beings to care for her, that she allows them to love her and returns it with such complete resolve that it is overwhelming.  I am always having to remind myself its only been 4 months, it does still feel like she's been here forever, the fact that we waited 6 MONTHS from the moment we got her picture to the day we met her, seems a blink of an eye now!!  I know now that there was no way they could have prepared her for our coming, I never received back my photoalbum I sent, so I doubt that she ever saw it.  That day , November 2, 2009, was the first time she'd ever laid eyes on us!!  She let us pick her up, hold her hand, and leave with her, without a tear.   God had to be whispering in her heart, these are the ones I had been telling you about ... these are parents I promised you, thank you my little dear for being so patient with My perfect plan, even when it must have seemed I'd forsaken you.

Faith is Baptised!

Here are the photos!

Like the covenant of Marriage that made Allison and I one family on October 10, 1989 and the covenant of adoption that we took on to make Faith a part of our family in November of 09, another covenant was professed and celebrated on February 21, 2010 - that of Faith's Baptism and becoming part of the family of Christ.

 

It was a truly God inspired day.  Faith even gave the thumbs up after her baptismal bath!  It was an awesome day and we would like to thank all those involved that made it so special, I can't name you all by name - there are too many of you but you know who you are!

Thank you all so much!

Educational Visitors

Some of the things God has brought to fruition in this journey have been beyond comprehension, today was another one of those moments.  Before, we brought Faith home, I received an email from a Professor of Deaf Studies at Holy Cross.  She was very interested in meeting Faith, and would like to make herself available to me for whatever help I needed in making sure she had whatever necessary to acquire language.  In addition, she has someone in her department that teaches ASL, that just happens to not only be deaf but also Chinese!  She even knows Chinese sign language -- which was cool to learn that Faith's thumbs up sign is actually Chinese Sign for good!!!  Neat!!  The connection had come from my cousin's sister in law -- you just NEVER know who God is going to use in His plans!! 
Well, after we got home, I emailed Professor Fask to update her on our return and progress thus far.  She invited Faith and I to Worcester, but being winter and so much going on trying to teach the boys, make all Faith's doctor's appointments and work my own part time jobs I was having a hard time finding time.  She emailed and asked if they could come to us!!  Wow!!  Some people's generosity of time and kindness of heart blows me away!  I obviously agreed, and today was our much anticipated visit.

It was so wonderful-  they were both amazing woman, a wealth of information for me.  The biggest question I have been struggling with is what language to teach Faith - ASL?  Signed English? Oral Language?  There are remarkably many options.  They were so good in explaining the benefits of a visual language (ASL) for deaf, especially someone with profound deafness like Faith.  She suggested eating dinner with voice off, and seeing how much Faith misses - as she tries to figure out who is speaking, what is being said, and if there are 2 people speaking at once,or if the conversation volleys quickly, as it can -- she is only getting bits and pieces.  The oneness on deciphering the conversation is all on her, which is pretty stinky for any one, but esp. a little kid.  I am even more determined to master ASL - and they have provided me a resource for Family Sign classes, where the person comes here and even better at no cost to us!!  God rocks!! and continues to be faithful to his promise to help us if we just agreed to trust Him and bring this beautiful child into our lives!!

They had so many amazing suggestions - finding a deaf babysitter, playgroups and socials for the deaf - that we as a family can attend, and I am grateful of the respect given to our home school lifestyle.  The bible says, God calls you to it, he will guide or lead you through it.  Although I have always read that in regards to troubles, I can see now that it can also relate to the missions He puts before us.  We are called to educate our children, for various reason, the homeschool model works well for us.  I can see that God will provide me the resources, and education I need to be the best provider of education for them -- and you can't beat all the time and attention this allows me to give her (and the boys).  It also makes for a closer bond between Ian and her, as 14 and 4 is a big age gap - if he was in school I find it hard to imagine that they'd share the love they do.  It is so sweet to see, and since he truly wants to be a sign language interpreter, I can't think of better education than 'hands' on :)))

So we march on, filled with names and numbers to follow up on, some times its overwhelming, and I feel guilty that maybe I'm not moving fast enough to put things into place, but then I think she's only been here 3 months.  To us, and to this new life she's still a baby, I certainly wouldn't stick a baby in school. We have time, we continue to implement what we can, love her to pieces, and stay diligent, and we know the rest will come ... God will make sure of that!

3 Months later

So many times I'll be in the shower or driving in the car, and my mind will draft a post, but then I dry off, or get home, and life gets in my way of actually typing it out!  Most of my free time for writing in the last 6 weeks was devoted to finally finishing my Womens' Catholic bible study that I have been planning and drafting for 3 years!    Thanks to my awesome Bible babe buddies (ha ha), who graciously agreed to test it out for me, its almost done!  Just some edits, and a leader's guide, and God willing someone will be interested in publishing it!!  

The other little matter taking my time would be our precious new daughter!!  Faith continues to challenge us daily, amaze us hourly, and fill our hearts with love every minute!!  I can not believe its only been 3 months, I know that is a cheesy line, but its so true.  More and more I feel like she's been with us since the day of her birth, I often can not even remember life without her - -except I think my back ached a little less (more reason to thank God for not asking me to carry and deliver our 3 child!).

Days in the Gingras house are crazier than before, but we'll take it!!  I am so grateful I am able to be here with her (and the boys), it is an incredible blessing!  One thing I hadn't expected, but happily love is all the cuddle, holding time she'd require.  I often wonder if she looks for this holding/cuddling time because it was something she was used to in her Foster family (they were both retired - including the spoiling Foster Dad, or if she never had it and is just eating it up.  I honestly can't speculate either way but am so grateful for it.  It is what I dreamed of, a little girl that loves me, and wants to be with me - a far cry from those first 2 weeks.  That is the good part, the hard part is the time  -- I am already organizational challenged!!  So my to do list is growing longer, but to see her thrive is worth every undone project!!

So what is the little squid up to ... LOTS!  As Kevin blogged she now has glasses, which explained to much to me -- why she wasn't sitting for books, or staying focused when I was doing vocabulary type ASL lessons with her.  Why she liked to write (aka scribble) but never seemed to LOOK at what she was doodling on the paper!!   I have seen small improvements since the glasses, and I am sure as she gets used to them, and we do these activities more and more will have more cooperation from her -- again this is the issue of forgetting she's only been here for 3 months!!  My expectations are definitely skewed!!    I have bought her more 'baby' type toys realizing that the skills children gleam from playing with those, are essential to learning.  I also realized she missed out having those things, so she now has interlocking beads and a busy box, and I can tell from the amount of time she spends with it, it was money well spent.  She is also very into her cash register (anything with buttons to push!!), her Doodle Pro (thanks the generosity of Isabel!) and playdoh.  I LOVE watching her discover and learn -- she is so easy to occupy so that the boys and I can do our lessons together.  However, when not occupied she is velcroed to one of us!!

The challenges so far have been trying to communicate emotions and non-concrete ideas -- such as its gross to pick your nose, runny away from us as soon as we let go of your hand in a public place is dangerous, and Mommy is a germaphobe so don't lick counters at the Build a Bear, don't expect to play with toys at the doctor's office, and expect to have your hands covered in hand sanitizer before and after (and sometimes during) every outing outside the house!!  I did teach her the signs for "dirty", "dangerous", "careful", "share", "wait your turn", I am not completely sure the meanings have taken hold.   But that's part of the process, we have to consider her language that of a infant or toddler, they take years to get the meanings, make connection and spontaneously return conversation, she will follow that same pattern.  I do give her credit for what she's accomplished in 3 months!! She can tell us her basic needs - hunger, tissue, potty, bed, etc.   As far as teaching emotions, I accidently stumbled across something -- Kevin taught her this game of going for a kiss and then pulling away as a joke.  Which I Hated!!  I know strong word, but oh I would just want this quick kiss, and have to play the game!!  So, I started signing that it made me sad, when she would deny my kiss, and when she did finally kiss me I'd sign that it made me happy.  In a few days, SHE HERSELF would add those signs to the game (saving Dad lol), and helping us start to develop emotion understanding!!  It is cool, so now she can relate to sad and happy !!  

My next writing project is this adoption story, including as I mentioned a few months ago the back story of how God brought us to this point.  Just need to tackle the taxes this week, and then will be writing - hope that you will continue to check back as amazing as having her is, what God did in the 2 years leading up to this moment was amazing ... I still awe at the fact that He allowed us to be part of that (this) story!! 

Anybody still read this thing?

Well, if you are Faith needed glasses.  On Feb 5th Allison took her to the eye doctor and they did some dilation thing and based on how light reflected in her eyes were able to determine she can't see very well close up!

That night and a trip to Lensecrafters later she has glasses now, rather thick lensed ones!

 

I honestly didn't think she could get any cuter but alas, they actually make her cuter!

She does well keeping them on since she can now see while wearing them.  They do need to be cleaned several times per but that's ok, at least she's pushing them back on her tiny nose!

Birthday Girl

Just a quick post about Faith's first birthday with us.  It was actually rather uneventful.  We put her to bed at 8:30 , she was wiped out from a busy weekend, and I looked at Kevin and realized we never GAVE her our birthday gifts!!  We got home from an sleepover in time for her nap, then we woke her in time to head to Mass, then Ihop for a very late dinner, and home in time for bed again LOL.  So basically her 4th birthday was spent eating and sleeping, and a little God tossed in -- all of Mom's favorites!!

I am still having trouble coming to grips with this made up birthday, it really bugs me that the parents couldn't have at least stuck a note with her telling her birthday!  She just doesn't seem 4, or maybe it is hard to add another year to her age, when we've only known her for 2 months as a 3 year old!  Kevin jokes that it is not like we can just saw her in half and count the rings, someone else has suggested a dentist might better tell us her age from her teeth?  It is not like I need to know for any real reason except my own selfishness of not wanting her to grow up too fast, psychologically having a child go from 3 to 4 in just 2 months is difficult.  I have already had to catch myself numerous times expecting too much from her, now that she's 4 I hope I can control my feeble brain to not expect even more!!

So funny that the transition has been so seamless, your brain is tricked into forgetting she has NOT been with you her whole life.  That she has experienced a complete upheavel of her little life, that she will have many psychological struggles as she grows and develops.  That our love will get her through a great deal of the pain and loss, but we'll never be able to completely take it away.  These are the little things that you have to fight to keep from overtaking your thoughts -- the worries of what will be as the days, months and years progress.  Always trying to stay vigilant, and not complacent as to not miss signs that she needs help in something.  Alas, isn't this the struggle of all parents, biological and adoptive  -- balancing your own life's needs and responsiblity, with those of your children.  Thank goodness for prayers, "Cast all your worries on Him because HE cares about you," (1 peter 5:7) ... good to know Kevin and I have such an amazing parenting partner in this life!!

Quick update on Faith's progress -- we started back watching Sarah and Grace this week, they don't come very much but we had put off restarting to be sure Faith was ready to share Mommy and brothers. It was a perfect start back, she LOVES her 2 new friends!!  She played very well with them both, I love how they both are learning sign language ( I never feel over with the 13 month old signed PLEASE! when she wanted the toy Faith had - it was awesome!!)   Being so overly sentimental like I am, I find it so very cool, that one of my daughter's first friends, is the daughter of one of my very first friends!! 

Faith has been doing great sleeping in her own bed.  I am going to guess her bed in China was a mat on the floor, because quite a few times, she has grabbed a pillow from a couch (not just at our house) , and placed it on a small carpet or mat on the floor, and covered herself with a blanket, and signed 'Sleep'.   There are so many questions I wish I had asked the caretakers when I had them - but it wasn't her foster parents, so I really don't know how much of the information would have been actually about FengHua, and how much would have been what kids do in general.  I am sure, God is protecting my heart from not letting me know too much, it would probably just break my heart to know.  I already have to fit feeling guilty and sad that it took us 6 months to get her out of the country once we had been matched.  In more luicd moments I DO know that it was God's plan for our family to prepare all of us, for whatever reason, in making us wait all that time.  Most children are matched and home within 6 to 8 weeks of referral, we had to wait 24 weeks!!   I spent so much time before the Lord in Adoration during that time, and I know He was preparing us - I have pages and pages of journal entries that assure me of that!

So what else can I report about our princess - she has become a finicky eater, mostly because she can!  No longer worried about her next meal, she knows she gets fed about every 2 hours, and if she isnt' crazy about what is before her, there will be another offering varily soon.  She has a sign vocabulary of about 20 words now.  She is a total monkey, copying all we do -- which in some cases IS not very good! I knew  I should have secluded her from all the men in our house until I had her completely molded into all the proper girl ways of life!!  Especially for someone who thinks everything is a game lol, some days can be rather challenging!   I guess that is what makes us family - its not just my influence on her, but hers on me, and a great exchange of personalities life, working and loving together!!

Happy Birthday FengHua, thank you for continuing to enlighten us in the most amazing ways!

Christ and the Christening Gown

Now that Christmas Day has come and gone (though we know the Christmas season continues until Sunday), it is time in the part of my brain that needs to plan things, to start thinking about Faith's Baptism.  I am so excited about this day, which will be Sunday, Feb. 21st, which turns out to be the 2 year anniversary of our very FIRST meeting with CAWLI (the adoption agency).  A pretty neat date connection (I AM ridiculously into date connections!!).   The only better date would have been her birthday (the made up one given to her in China) , which is January 10th.  That date would be very cool to be baptized on, as it is the day that the Church celebrates the Baptism of the Lord!!

So the planning has begun, step one which actually began 2 years ago when we started this process was choosing Godparents.  That has to be one of the toughest decisions you make for you child, the decision is a lifetime commitment, and with so many faithful people in our life choosing 2 was hard.  Well, the godmother wasn't because I knew right away I wanted my 'second' sister, my cousin Heather.  Which brings me today's story... step two, shopping for the Christening gown.

Taking advantage of Christmas time off,  Heather, Faith and I met in Quincy/Braintree for lunch and a festive shopping trip.  Not familiar with the area, I did some internet research, found a dress shop that looked perfect  -- had christening and flower girl dresses, and a large selection.  It was called GRANDASIA, which until I saw the sign and the Chinese silk dresses in the window didn't realize the name is GRAND... ASIA...  I was thinking flower (don't ask - my brain is a complex and often confused place).  The trusty Tom-Tom brings us right to the door, there was a beautiful pull through parking place on the street (yeah, never mastered that parallel parking thing!!)   Its cold, although we were happy the rain had stopped during our lunch.  I gather Faith out of the carseat, and off we hustle to the store, which from a distance looks awfully dark inside.  It looked dark upclose as well, as is commonplace with adults with AD/HD, I forgot to check out minute details such as HOURS OF OPERATION!!!

We hustle (its cold remember, and I was fond of the 70s) back to the van, and start tapping away on the blackberry and Tom-Tom looking for other dress shops in the area.  We are on mainstreet Quincy - there has to be someplace else we can go -- I SO wanted to find Faith's dress with her Godmother present!! I begin to pray (I know big shock!!), and Heather finds 2 viable options we plug them into ole' Tom and off we go.  We are unable to locate the places listed - oh wait, we did find one it was closed (permanently - hate this economy).  In our travels around and around Hancock street (think Chevy Chase in Lapoon's vacation, "Look kids Big Ben, Parliment") we see this small shop, Simply Barbara's.  On the wall, what looks like a sleu of little white dresses.   I suggest we call and see if they are opened (before I attempt more on street parking, and another the squid wrestling).  The woman that answers the phone, hesitates are our questions of whether they sell flower girl dresses, and if they are open - but relents that they are open, and off we go.

THIS Is when Christ appears ... see long story short, the boutique was actually closed, but something told her that we needed help, and to open for us.  She asked me fairly quickly in our visit if I was Christian (though I have to confess with her heavy which I think was Nigerian accent, and my befuddled state thought she was asking me if my name was Kristen, which would be my sister but in hindsight how would SHE know my sister's name).  Anyway, Heather, a very level headed and highly intelligent young lady, politely cleared up the confusion for her elderly cousin - and I very enthusiastically answered, "YES, OH yes!! Very Christian!!"  At which point I see behind her a framed bible verse, realize it is Gospel music playing in the background, and on the floor beneath the dresses is an icon of the Holy Family.  Of course, of course God you are still watching over Faith -- even the seamstress could see that, without knowing any of the story, she just smiled down at Faith commenting on how Christ was certainly with this little girl.   It was a chill filling, head shaking, OH MY Goodness this is amazing, kind of experience!! 

She reminded us that the bible tells us to speak His name always and often, that we are here to serve Him, and that she has seen and done things that would amaze us, that her shop was far more than making dresses for important occasions.  Evident further by her response to her children who came into the shop sometime after us, and perplexed asked their mother, 'Arent' you closed."  She just smiled and responded, "They needed me."   Imagine this world, if we all put our agenda aside, our own needs and plans aside, and had the attitude, "I changed what I wanted to do , because they needed me."

She was so amazing with Faith, gentle, kind, I truly felt in the presence of one of Christ's disciples (which she had called herself).  We fell in love with the second dress we saw, and first she put on, like a bride, you know its the right one when everyone in the store is crying!  My mind is such at ease that she will do wonderfully fitting the squid, and that her prayers will be added to ours as another person is initiated into God's family!   I think Barbara said it best at the end of our visit, "God is real, God is with us, and God is among us, He is in everything"  Amen, my new Christian friend... Amen!!

A new day

I'm a big fan of adages  -- mine for today is, "What a difference a day makes"!  Faith and I had such a great day.  We started the day with more shots, poor kid, there should be just one more round, and then she ages out of needing the last set...small positive there.  She was so good, cooperative, doesn't cry -- makes the 'scrunch' face of disgust she seems to have perfected, and that I find cute now that it isn't directed at me!    I do find her perchance for pain a bit disturbing ,and definitely something to monitor!

Then it was off to BJs Wholesale club to finish our Christmas shopping, she is a great shopping companion!  She helps me disinfect the carriage with "magic soap" aka hand sanitizer.  She never asks for something, and not because she doesn't have the words, because believe me she has NO problem making wants known!!  She is content to hold whatever is next to go in the carriage, or my cell phone, which SHE has figured out how to lock and so she's not calling friends back in China on me as I shop!

OH and the best news of today -- not really, but if you've been following the battle of the ponytails, you'll know why this is so exciting!  I went to a cookie swap with some great veteran GIRL moms!  They told me about these little elastics (pretty much one time use), that really hang onto the hair, making removal nearly impossible!   They are my gift this Christmas because FINALLY after 6 weeks, we have pigtails (mom's favorite) that are NOT pulled out as soon as I finish them, actually not pulled out at all!  Plus now that she's lost that battle she has stopped pulling out barretts and off hats too - wonderful stuff!!

After coming home from a loooonnnng  shopping trip!!  Man I love that place, I could just wander up and down the isles all day!!  We had a nice lunch together - she has really taken a liking to Italian food (well what is originally Italian, when I get done with it - most Italians would not take credit for it!!)  Last night she scoffed down Tortellini's (aka belly-buttons) in chicken broth ( I love when she picks up the bowl with one hand, and scoops the liquid with the spoon into her mouth -- it is an adorable cultural thing that I hope she never loses!!) , for lunch its was cheese ravoli with sauce (how come every time I dress her in white I feed her red sauce!! She was fine, that Tink bib does wonders!!)

Now brings me to the reason I blogged, it was during yesterday's lunch that I realized how much she doesn't know, and how challenging it will be to teach her abstract thoughts, and the day continued to be a difficult day of frustrations and miscommunications.  Today, was a brand new day - and I believe it to be a product of spending my day (no not whining and moping, as my post and FB status would suggest) but in praying.  Every spare moment I had, I offered my thoughts and frustrations heavenward - seeking intercession from St. Therese (whom I learned in the movie of her life was homeschooled-- sweet!), and St. Francis de Sales (patron of the deaf), and of course our Lady.  Just gave over my insecurities, my inabilities, and my grumpiness!!  The bible says, Ask and you shall receive.  I know I have to cooperate with the spirit, but do feel today that I have been given a renewed hope and peace.

Evident in our lunch - we had a great little conversation (showing me that you don't always need words to convey feeling), and then we colored and practiced her name.  The best was just before nap, she sat on my lap with the same book I struggled yesterday afternoon to read/sign with her.  Yesterday, she tried turning to the end of the book with every page, she wouldn't look at me, or copy any of the signs, she was distant and distracted, my heart was so heavy and filled with doubt (are you sure God I have the talents and patience to be her teacher, are you sure??)  Today -- she sat and looked not only through that book but 2 others, turning pages one by one, trying to copy the signs, and turning to smile at me periodically.  A gift, these small moments, these ones I took for granted with the boys, are so poignant when they are proceeded by frustration and doubt.  

I am grateful as alwasy for God's faithfulness to keep me prayerful in this journey.   When I arrived home, I was spiritually exhausted.  My bible reading dropped off, Mass addiction (either going in person or watching EWTN - love those priests!) had waned considerally, Divine Mercy devotion sporadic ... I had slipped from the mountain top to a lull -- more a plateau then a valley -- nothing bad was happening that I usually associate with the valley of spiritual growth, but nothing good either.  I was just existing, putting out the daily fires, going through the motions.  It certainly didn't help that the holidays kicked right in, which are just not a historically easy time emotionally for me.  I had shut down, I doubt I am alone in any of these feelings, I am sure you've all been there.  In the past, I would have allowed the world to continue to swallow me up, and draw further and further away from God and my faith -- and this is what I am so grateful for today , that I don't.  That He accepts even my smallest or shortest prayers, and sees that my heart still longs for Him, and He never leaves, or gives up... and with every drawing near , He draws near.   The JOY of the LORD is my strength, even when I don't have the strength to see that...I pray that you too will find your JOY in the Lord especially during the celebration of His Son's birth.  Merry Christmas!!